Oh my Uterus!

Photocredit: Facebook, Period Memes

Dear Aunt Flo

I hope you’re well, actually I know you are. You’ve been up to your usual antics(insert a drawn out sigh)
I’m debating which tone to take with you because as dramatic as you are(sometimes toxic) I appreciate you so much. But I have a few questions nyana, some issues that need clarity!

Why do you like making my life miserable 🙄, seriously do you have to announce your arrival with aches and pains and all manners of discomfort. This month I had a toothache that rivalled all toothaches. Who have you been hanging out with lately?Nazi torturers?I didn’t sleep for 2 nights, the pain was that bad. I thought it was too early for it to be you. Lo and behold you were 4 fucking days early. And bye bye toothache.

A couple of months ago my face was swollen. Like I’d been attacked by angry bees. Fam? No! That’s just unnecessary. And this is before the actual bleeding even starts. Hayi Sisi! Drama ka nje?

That having been said, the pain is better than the diarrhoea 😂😂😂. In case you decide to announce your impending arrival in other ways. I’ll keep the pain thanks.
I’ve gone the diarrhoea route, with Harare water supply so sporadic, it ain’t pretty.

You know, we’ve been together for 15 years, at one time I looked forward to meeting you.
Stupid little girl I was. I’m grateful that I was a late bloomer though. By the time we met, I had seen others handle you(blame mission school dorms). I had a handle on these things.
Did you know as ‘initiation’ into womanhood I was told that when you were visiting I wasn’t supposed to add salt to the meals I cooked?🤣🤣Fun times!
But I digress, the first 6 to 7 years of our relationship were not filled with drama. But ah, the longer the relationship the more agony!
I love you, but something’s gotta give.
You know we can co exist peacefully?

Let’s move on to after you arrive, what’s up with the uterus acting like it’s got pins and needles? Kante this lining you’re shedding has razor blades?
This egg I’m losing has to have me feeling like my skin is being shredded with a bread knife?
Then you’re being told to be more active, when all you want to do is literally curl into a ball and sleep all week. Aunty? Where is the love though?
Oh and the mood swings, these are crazy. I think period rage should count as a defense when one is under prosecution. The way I’ve come close to murdering people! In a space of two minutes I’ve gone from fuming to tears to hysterical laughter. What will I do with you?

And that thirst, do you love me? Why should I be thirsty when I can’t do anything about it😂😂😂 I think this topic in particular needs a letter on it’s own.
And cravings?? Really, cravings? Have you not seen my bank account? I can’t afford to be eating chocolate, ice cream and ribs or whatever nonsense you come up with.😂
Pads are expensive enough as it is. Aunty, keep your head in the game. Girl is trying to live within her means.

I’ve been meaning to rant for a while, I mean, sometimes I just run out of words because you’re like Hurricane Katrina 12 times a year. The whiplash is life changing. 😂

Okay wait, you’re not all bad. Sometimes you behave. Sometimes it’s all rosy, as rosy as it can get when blood is gushing out of your vagina 24/7.
The good thing is you’re loyal. A loyal friend,😂😂 who’s there to tell me that I can conceive but I haven’t yet.
I’m glad we had this chance for me to air my grievances. Hopefully you’ll keep an open mind and next month our interactions will have less painkillers and murderous rages.

Yours faithfully

A bleeder

Ps. Dial back the psycho okay? The anxiety, self loathing and overthinking I already have that in generous doses without you adding your two cents!

Photo Credit:Teen Vogue, Caitlin G McCollom